OK, I am LAME!...When it comes to loosing weight.

I am lame at loosing weight. I have been so up and down in the past four months. I am so frustrated with myself, not at the surgery, I only have myself to blame!!!! I am such an emotional eater. I am addicted to oreos, which by the way, go straight through the band, no restriction what so ever!!! This addiction to oreos during this overwhelmingly emotional time in my life has lead me to a 19lb gain in the past four weeks. I woke up this morning and got on the scale for the first time in a little while. I am just gonna post it......it read 199. I have not been over 200 since a month after my surgery.....i am almost there again!!! UGHHHHHHH....so mad at myself. I was prompted to get on the scale because even my "fat" jeans are too tight. So after I put on my too tight "fat" jeans and got off the scale I wanted to cry and run to the store to buy more oreos....I know, gross right? but instead I got on the computer and chat message from a good friend reading "are you going to exercise with us?" So I got out of my tight jeans, put on my workout pants and went and exercised with my friends. Thank you for saving me good friends and not letting me get over 200lbs again...ugh....I am so lame at the weight loss thing! But only at this weight loss thing. I have worked a lot this last year on my talents and finding out who I really am. I think I am pretty good in a lot of areas in my life. As my husband says, I am stronger then I give myself credit for. I am a pretty good mom. I am raising two brave and very crazy hilarious daughters. I take full credit for their awesome personalities. I may not be perfect at everything, but who is??? I am pretty hard on myself when it comes to this weight loss stuff. I put a lot of weight on it. I am going to take the weight off of the weight issue. Gonna work on doing that.

I stumbled across a blog entry last month about a bloggers distain for fat people. She feels like fat people are just full of excuses of why they are fat and that they are really just fat because they are lazy. Oh, by the way, I am the offended reader she is referring to in the blog post. (click on "blog Entry" above to read the blog posts). Well I just want to let the blogger know that no one hates "fat" people more then fat people hate themselves. So we have one up on you! I am working on not making that statement true anymore and overcome judgmental opinions from people like you that just don't understand that people have life stories. People are beautiful! People are so much more then what we see when we pass on the street.

Fill or No Fill??? and my Sweet Spot

More than a year later.....

I have left many of you hanging after my last post several months ago.....Well...I got my fill or fills by now. I have had three fills since my last post. So that is a total of five fills. For some of you that are just joining my blog...you may be asking yourself "Fill? What is a Fill?" When a person gets the lap band procedure done to help aide in weight loss, a band goes around the stomach. The band is tight in the beginning due to swelling of the stomach from the surgery. But eventually the band is not as tight. So the band is made with a silicon ring inside of it. A Dr. then gradually fills the band with saline, making the band tighter and tighter. A patient is supposed to go into the Dr. every 4 to 6 weeks for a fill until their band is at what is considered the "sweet spot" (perfect amount of restriction and limitation on food intake). According to some people in my support group and my dr., that "sweet spot" is not obtained until about the 4th fill. I had two fills a year ago and then stopped going to the Dr. due to insurance reasons and out of fear or self sabotage. But I finally got approval from insurance this spring and have started going in for fills.

I started back up again in March. I have been three times. I did not post about the first two fills in March and April because I could not tell a difference. In fact I gained weight after my first fill back in March (fill #3 in total). I was very disappointed in myself! I got another fill in a April and felt a little difference but had really really high hopes in that fill. Because everyone had said it really kicks in at fill #4. I still did not feel that different. Still not much restriction. So I got another fill yesterday. For those other banders out there you might be wondering how much I have had filled so far in total. For some reason that is the question every bander asked other banders. It really means nothing to other people. I have had 7.6cc. I was told yesterday that my band will hold 9 total.

so how do I feel today after this fill????? I feel GREAT!!! I have finally HIT THAT SWEET SPOT!!! I can only take a few bites and I am FULL!!! This is what I have been waiting for! This is what I went into surgery a year ago for. I should have started feeling like this 5 months after the surgery and not 13 months after the surgery. I lost 8 months of progress!

So where am I at in my weight?? I am not telling a number right now because of the weight I gained over the winter. But I am still down from where I was a year ago. I am still not back into my "fat" clothes from pre surgery, so for that I am proud. But I do have some clothes from the fall that I don't fit into because of the weight I gained. I am hoping to be back into those soon with my new found sweet spot. I am hoping to finally work hard to make it my true goal.

Some have wondered about my dance recital as well.... I had promised myself that after my surgery I would sign up for a dance class. I wrote last time about how I did and I stuck with it. My recital is in a month. I will be wearing a little sassy black dress with big bright orange and red roses all over it. and it is spaghetti strap. Will I be looking like I had visioned I would look in that dress?? NO! but I am going through with it. I am getting up on that stage, all of me, and DANCING!!!!

Still NO Picture! But next month I promise to post a pic of me in my recital dress. I will be BRAVE!

Honest and Candid

(Thanks Giving 2009)

OK, so I have been missing for quite some time now. I have been in hiding from the blog world. I have had several people ask me to update my band blog. I kept thinking I was too busy, but the truth is that I did not know what to say! I don't have good news to report on. I hit a wall, emotionally, this fall. So must of the success of the band depends on your contact with the Dr. and getting frequent fills until you are at a proper place of restriction. I was aware of this before the surgery. I had been attending support groups for women banded by my same dr. and they all said that they did not really feel restriction until their 4th fill. So I was prepared for that, I was prepared for slow progress in the beginning....but what I wasn't prepared for was how hard it would be to make it to the Dr's office.

In August I went for my 2nd Fill. My 2nd one was supposed to be in July or June, but the office had to close because they were moving. So I went in August, got my 2nd fill. I have been getting my fills from a different dr. then the one that preformed my surgery, same office, just different Dr. I don't really like the guy. I Loved my dr, Dr. Moazzez (my friend said that it is name she won't forget because you go to Dr. Moazzez because you want LESS AZZEZ). But I am not so sure about this other guy. Any ways, that is besides the point: I got my fill and on my way I went to pay the co-pay and they said that my insurance referral had run out. WHAT!!!!! They said my post op referral was only for 90 days. I was a little upset...wish they would have told me this on my way in instead of on my way out! The bill is $200 if you don't have a referral and $24 if you do. So you do the math. I was upset because had they kept my original appointment instead of closing the office for two week and rescheduling everyone a month later, I would have fit into my referral frame. They told me that I had to go to my Primary Care Manager from now on before I come to get a referral....WHAT???????? UGHHHH!!!! So frustrating!!! I really don't like my Primary Care Manager!! I need to stop whining about her and just change her and request a new one. She barely speaks English and she does not know how to enter referrals into the system. I had to visit her once a month for 6 months in order to get the surgery approved. I dreaded the visit each time!!! So since I heard that I have to go to her first......I have done nothing!!!!

I seriously feel as if I never had the surgery. I have a huge appetite. I feel zero restriction and the pounds have been packing on, especially through the holiday season. I can't stand it! I have had to pull out some of my old fat pants. I feel so gross, I feel so embarrassed, and I am disappointed in myself.

So anyone that thinks that this surgery is a quick fix, and the weight comes off and never comes back, I am proof that it does. So I am going to stop whining about it and take action. I have made an appointment with my PCM (the one I don't like) for Feb 1st. I am hoping she gives me a referral for a fill. What happens if she doesn't is my question???? Then will this whole process all have had been for nothing? I hope she gives me the referral. And I think my ultimate fear of her saying no has been the real reason why I have not been back and set the appointment. So hoping to get regular fills this spring and make some more progress. So wish me luck! So anyone that has been wondering about my progress: There you have it....no exciting progress to report on....just set backs and my biggest set back being myself.

I am back at the gym!

And I will leave this post on a positive note:

I thought that a year ago or so I had blogged about my dream of taking a dance class and performing in a recital, but I can't find the post now. But I am happy to report that I am taking a JAZZ class. It is fun. I was measured yesterday for my costume for my June recital. I saw what the costume will look like, a cute little salsa dress. and it is little. I have a lot of work to do on my dancing skills, but I am having so much fun! My friend Shara is taking it with me. And she is 3 months pregnant and will be 8 months at our recital, so I told her hopefully I will loose weight and we can swap costumes. She is a tiny little thing. She can have my fat belly one I was measured for and I will take her little one. We laughed about it.

A picture: Just for fun: Cut my hair off.

(November 2009) Marine Corps Ball

Sad that when I went shopping for a new dress I only went down one size from last January, Can't wait for next years Dress!!!!

In The 70's around here

I am not talking about the weather....all though we have been in the 70's here..fall is around the corner. But in this case I am referring to my weight. I am in the 170's. I have recently broke into the photography business. I have been dabbling for two years now, but I have officially launched. I shot all day Wednesday. Shooting is a good workout. You would not think it, but I must do 200 squats while doing a shoot. I woke up so sore this morning! my legs were shaking as I stood up. I could barely walk down the stairs. When I went to get dressed I grabbed my fav jeans and found out that they were really baggy. Then I grabbed another pair of jeans and they were baggy too. I had just been on the scale the day before and it read 181. I felt smaller so I jumped on the scale and about died when it said 176. 5 lbs in one day! So my new workout routine. Fill up my photography calendar and shoot everyday. All 5 of those lbs were lost in my legs. I can feel it! My skinny jeans were even baggy. It was so funny. My girls were making fun of me because my pants kept falling off me all day. What a great feeling!!!!

Four Months

Here is my four month post, the pictures posted are from my 3 month mark (july 24th). I feel really great!!!! I was down to 179, but I jumped back up to 185 after a visit with my mother. We ate ice cream almost everyday. Warning, the band allows you to eat an unlimited amount of ice cream and drink soda...lots of dr. pepper while she was visiting. we were on the road a lot and I was exhausted and craved it so badly!!! I weighed 185 when these pics were taken so that is why I am posting them and I unfortunately did not get any at 179. but I will be there next month and hoping to be less. I am back on track. and to those that think that the weight can't come back with the band, this weight gain is proof that it can. be warned!!!

I am back on track. I am back to teaching my aerobics class at the church. It forces me to get at least three hours of intense workout three times a week. I was going to the gym a lot in July too. Maelee was at summer school and Delana was in Arizona. I just had my three daycare kids with me. and I am signed up to be able to take three kids at a time to the gym daycare. but for now I have 5 kids and my load is too big to be able to make it to the gym. Good news is that school starts in two weeks. I plan to hit the gym hard core. A good way to start my day and get strong. I have found a class there that I love!!! It is called Kangroo Jump. I took it three times in July and my legs got so strong and my butt actually shrunk. This is going to be the class that will help me shrink. I know it!!! I can't wait to get back to it!

here is a video of what kangaroo jump boots are. i want a pair but they are almost $300. I guess they are cheaper than buying a bike and I have never asked for or wanted a bike. We spent much more than that on Scott's bike. Maybe I will work up the courage to ask for a pair for Christmas. The gym has some public share ones, but yuk, it grosses me out everytime. we sweat like crazy in that class!!!

Trends via TrendHunter.com.

Another great highlight.....I am officially out of the Plus Size Women's section in clothing. This is huge for me. I can't walk into any or all stores yet to shop. I can't wait for that....I am sure Scott can, I need to start saving now for the big shopping trip I want to go on when I hit a huge milestone mark. I am a misses size 14 right now. It feels so good. At my highest I was at a 20 women's size. Bye bye plus size. I love it! And I bought a pair of skinny jeans. I know I know....I am not skinny. but I love them. They are fun and funky and I wear a nice long shirt that helps me to cover my big butt and bulges. It is like wearing a pair of leggings. I love them and they look great paired with my classic black high top Chucks.

Can't wait to be able to post more pics. by the way, these were taken the night our family went to meet President Obama and Michelle at Scott's work. I hunted high and low for a new dress or outfit to wear. It was so much fun to shop. This was not my first choice, I first bought a really expensive dress at Macy's, but I took it back. I decided I did not want to spend that kind of money until I was smaller so I can wear it longer and enjoy it longer.

Almost 3 Months

I just realized in writing this that I am almost at my 3 month mark. It seems like just last month that I had my surgery, I feel like I should be much further along than I am. I have not lost any thing in the last month. I did get my first fill exactly a month ago. I don't think I have even written about that. I got 3.5 cc's of saline put into my band. I can not tell much of a difference in restriction. I was supposed to have my 2nd fill last week but my office is moving so it was canceled. It is rescheduled for July 27th. Most people in my support group said that they did not feel any restriction until their 3rd fill. So I was prepared to not feel too much restriction after my first fill. I really am looking forward to my next fill.

I have bumped up my exercise. I feel better. My body feels stronger. I gave a talk at my church this past Sunday this past Sunday on the subject of the body being a Temple. I talked a lot about exercise and I motivated myself to work harder. So like I said, not much difference on the scale yet so I have not taken any new pics of me

I do have one positive story I wanted to share. I ran into an friend that I had not seen in a year the other night. The first thing she said was "you have lost so much weight. you look so great!" it really made me feel better. Sometimes i feel like people who say that to me say it just because they know I should be losing weight because of the surgery, but not because I really look any different. So it made me feel good to have someone that had no idea that I even had surgery be able to tell a difference.

6 weeks and 24lbs down

The Day of surgery at the hospital. I knew it was official when I was sitting in the pre op room and saw my name on the board. I still could not believe that the day had finally come.

Day of surgery above and 6 weeks below

Day of surgery above and 6 weeks below

Day of surgery above

The camera battery died today before we could get a picture of my behind today. But I assure you that it is no smaller. Maelee keeps saying "Mom, I thought you had surgery to be skinny, but your butt is still fat."

This picture was taken while bowling with the family at my 5 week mark. I think this is first picture that has been taken of me in a long time that I did not hate. My face is still chubby, but I don't feel disgusted when I look at it. (that is Maelee's gang sign she is throwing up. Everytime we take a picture she says "$4 Yo!"

It has been 6 weeks since surgery. I am 24 lbs down. 15 of that was in the first week. So in 5 weeks I lost 9 lbs. That is about right on target. The goal is 1 to 2 lbs per week.......would I love more, Yeah, but who wouldn't? People keep asking for pics. When you have as much as I do to lose 24 lbs is not very much. It is just a drop in the bucket. I can't tell a difference yet. I did not want to take pics yet, but I am sure in the end I will like looking back at the changes and different stages of the loss. People say they can tell a difference in my face. I could tell a little difference in my face in a picture Scott took of me and the girls at the bowling alley.

So I am 24lbs down and a whopping 76 more to go....urghhh!! at 1 to 2 lbs a week it will take close to another year and a half. I want it tomorrow. But when I look at it at month to month and think by the end of the summer I could be close to 50 lbs down I feel pretty good about that possibility. Little steps and little goals. Right now my goal is to buy a pair of these jeans I found. I am going to a concert with my friend Maranda June 26th and I am hoping to buy a pair by then for the concert. I don't even care if I only fit into them for a month or two or three, I just need to set these little goals for myself to keep myself going.