OK, I am LAME!...When it comes to loosing weight.

I am lame at loosing weight. I have been so up and down in the past four months. I am so frustrated with myself, not at the surgery, I only have myself to blame!!!! I am such an emotional eater. I am addicted to oreos, which by the way, go straight through the band, no restriction what so ever!!! This addiction to oreos during this overwhelmingly emotional time in my life has lead me to a 19lb gain in the past four weeks. I woke up this morning and got on the scale for the first time in a little while. I am just gonna post it......it read 199. I have not been over 200 since a month after my surgery.....i am almost there again!!! UGHHHHHHH....so mad at myself. I was prompted to get on the scale because even my "fat" jeans are too tight. So after I put on my too tight "fat" jeans and got off the scale I wanted to cry and run to the store to buy more oreos....I know, gross right? but instead I got on the computer and chat message from a good friend reading "are you going to exercise with us?" So I got out of my tight jeans, put on my workout pants and went and exercised with my friends. Thank you for saving me good friends and not letting me get over 200lbs again...ugh....I am so lame at the weight loss thing! But only at this weight loss thing. I have worked a lot this last year on my talents and finding out who I really am. I think I am pretty good in a lot of areas in my life. As my husband says, I am stronger then I give myself credit for. I am a pretty good mom. I am raising two brave and very crazy hilarious daughters. I take full credit for their awesome personalities. I may not be perfect at everything, but who is??? I am pretty hard on myself when it comes to this weight loss stuff. I put a lot of weight on it. I am going to take the weight off of the weight issue. Gonna work on doing that.

I stumbled across a blog entry last month about a bloggers distain for fat people. She feels like fat people are just full of excuses of why they are fat and that they are really just fat because they are lazy. Oh, by the way, I am the offended reader she is referring to in the blog post. (click on "blog Entry" above to read the blog posts). Well I just want to let the blogger know that no one hates "fat" people more then fat people hate themselves. So we have one up on you! I am working on not making that statement true anymore and overcome judgmental opinions from people like you that just don't understand that people have life stories. People are beautiful! People are so much more then what we see when we pass on the street.

Fill or No Fill??? and my Sweet Spot

More than a year later.....

I have left many of you hanging after my last post several months ago.....Well...I got my fill or fills by now. I have had three fills since my last post. So that is a total of five fills. For some of you that are just joining my blog...you may be asking yourself "Fill? What is a Fill?" When a person gets the lap band procedure done to help aide in weight loss, a band goes around the stomach. The band is tight in the beginning due to swelling of the stomach from the surgery. But eventually the band is not as tight. So the band is made with a silicon ring inside of it. A Dr. then gradually fills the band with saline, making the band tighter and tighter. A patient is supposed to go into the Dr. every 4 to 6 weeks for a fill until their band is at what is considered the "sweet spot" (perfect amount of restriction and limitation on food intake). According to some people in my support group and my dr., that "sweet spot" is not obtained until about the 4th fill. I had two fills a year ago and then stopped going to the Dr. due to insurance reasons and out of fear or self sabotage. But I finally got approval from insurance this spring and have started going in for fills.

I started back up again in March. I have been three times. I did not post about the first two fills in March and April because I could not tell a difference. In fact I gained weight after my first fill back in March (fill #3 in total). I was very disappointed in myself! I got another fill in a April and felt a little difference but had really really high hopes in that fill. Because everyone had said it really kicks in at fill #4. I still did not feel that different. Still not much restriction. So I got another fill yesterday. For those other banders out there you might be wondering how much I have had filled so far in total. For some reason that is the question every bander asked other banders. It really means nothing to other people. I have had 7.6cc. I was told yesterday that my band will hold 9 total.

so how do I feel today after this fill????? I feel GREAT!!! I have finally HIT THAT SWEET SPOT!!! I can only take a few bites and I am FULL!!! This is what I have been waiting for! This is what I went into surgery a year ago for. I should have started feeling like this 5 months after the surgery and not 13 months after the surgery. I lost 8 months of progress!

So where am I at in my weight?? I am not telling a number right now because of the weight I gained over the winter. But I am still down from where I was a year ago. I am still not back into my "fat" clothes from pre surgery, so for that I am proud. But I do have some clothes from the fall that I don't fit into because of the weight I gained. I am hoping to be back into those soon with my new found sweet spot. I am hoping to finally work hard to make it my true goal.

Some have wondered about my dance recital as well.... I had promised myself that after my surgery I would sign up for a dance class. I wrote last time about how I did and I stuck with it. My recital is in a month. I will be wearing a little sassy black dress with big bright orange and red roses all over it. and it is spaghetti strap. Will I be looking like I had visioned I would look in that dress?? NO! but I am going through with it. I am getting up on that stage, all of me, and DANCING!!!!

Still NO Picture! But next month I promise to post a pic of me in my recital dress. I will be BRAVE!

Honest and Candid

(Thanks Giving 2009)

OK, so I have been missing for quite some time now. I have been in hiding from the blog world. I have had several people ask me to update my band blog. I kept thinking I was too busy, but the truth is that I did not know what to say! I don't have good news to report on. I hit a wall, emotionally, this fall. So must of the success of the band depends on your contact with the Dr. and getting frequent fills until you are at a proper place of restriction. I was aware of this before the surgery. I had been attending support groups for women banded by my same dr. and they all said that they did not really feel restriction until their 4th fill. So I was prepared for that, I was prepared for slow progress in the beginning....but what I wasn't prepared for was how hard it would be to make it to the Dr's office.

In August I went for my 2nd Fill. My 2nd one was supposed to be in July or June, but the office had to close because they were moving. So I went in August, got my 2nd fill. I have been getting my fills from a different dr. then the one that preformed my surgery, same office, just different Dr. I don't really like the guy. I Loved my dr, Dr. Moazzez (my friend said that it is name she won't forget because you go to Dr. Moazzez because you want LESS AZZEZ). But I am not so sure about this other guy. Any ways, that is besides the point: I got my fill and on my way I went to pay the co-pay and they said that my insurance referral had run out. WHAT!!!!! They said my post op referral was only for 90 days. I was a little upset...wish they would have told me this on my way in instead of on my way out! The bill is $200 if you don't have a referral and $24 if you do. So you do the math. I was upset because had they kept my original appointment instead of closing the office for two week and rescheduling everyone a month later, I would have fit into my referral frame. They told me that I had to go to my Primary Care Manager from now on before I come to get a referral....WHAT???????? UGHHHH!!!! So frustrating!!! I really don't like my Primary Care Manager!! I need to stop whining about her and just change her and request a new one. She barely speaks English and she does not know how to enter referrals into the system. I had to visit her once a month for 6 months in order to get the surgery approved. I dreaded the visit each time!!! So since I heard that I have to go to her first......I have done nothing!!!!

I seriously feel as if I never had the surgery. I have a huge appetite. I feel zero restriction and the pounds have been packing on, especially through the holiday season. I can't stand it! I have had to pull out some of my old fat pants. I feel so gross, I feel so embarrassed, and I am disappointed in myself.

So anyone that thinks that this surgery is a quick fix, and the weight comes off and never comes back, I am proof that it does. So I am going to stop whining about it and take action. I have made an appointment with my PCM (the one I don't like) for Feb 1st. I am hoping she gives me a referral for a fill. What happens if she doesn't is my question???? Then will this whole process all have had been for nothing? I hope she gives me the referral. And I think my ultimate fear of her saying no has been the real reason why I have not been back and set the appointment. So hoping to get regular fills this spring and make some more progress. So wish me luck! So anyone that has been wondering about my progress: There you have it....no exciting progress to report on....just set backs and my biggest set back being myself.

I am back at the gym!

And I will leave this post on a positive note:

I thought that a year ago or so I had blogged about my dream of taking a dance class and performing in a recital, but I can't find the post now. But I am happy to report that I am taking a JAZZ class. It is fun. I was measured yesterday for my costume for my June recital. I saw what the costume will look like, a cute little salsa dress. and it is little. I have a lot of work to do on my dancing skills, but I am having so much fun! My friend Shara is taking it with me. And she is 3 months pregnant and will be 8 months at our recital, so I told her hopefully I will loose weight and we can swap costumes. She is a tiny little thing. She can have my fat belly one I was measured for and I will take her little one. We laughed about it.

A picture: Just for fun: Cut my hair off.

(November 2009) Marine Corps Ball

Sad that when I went shopping for a new dress I only went down one size from last January, Can't wait for next years Dress!!!!